THE NIGHTGOWN

An old man goes to a lingerie store to buy his wife the sheerest nightgown he can find.

The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says.

"I want one that's more sheer," he says. "This one is $350."

"I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.

"Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull having sex with one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

"Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."

A couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

"Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks perhaps the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

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